So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
