she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
