I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
