its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
