end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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