The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
