Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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