i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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