He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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