you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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