god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
