How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Randomize
