I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
