just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As shirtless as possible
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
