Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there was a trapeze. enough said
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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