i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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