I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
