Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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