So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
