Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm too high and old for this...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
