This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
