Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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