there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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