defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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