Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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