I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
