Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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