Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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