I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
