is your mom at the bar?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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