Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
