Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
