i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
