i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
