hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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