I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
