dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
