If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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