my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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