My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
