Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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