i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?