I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.