i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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