Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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