you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
