Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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