It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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