so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
