Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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