I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
