ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize