I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
