why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
