he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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