as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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