I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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