So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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