I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
